Struggle

I was flipping through books on the farmer's shelf in Santa Fe,
One was something like "the 10 essential questions of judaism, answered!"
It was mostly terrible, but it said:

Q: does a person need to believe in god to be a good jew?
A: No, many jews do not. What defines Judaism is to be in relationship with god, to not be apathetic to his existence. To be a good jew is to struggle with him.

Now, I am not ready for the question of god,
(not to mention the pronoun they use...)
or don't find it relevant and might not ever,
but nevertheless this struck me.
Definition by struggle.

I have begun to use this word, constantly.
in any situation where I wish to honor my commitment to sit with
something I haven't figured out yet, and might not ever.

The peak was two weeks ago, at Alison's thesis opening.
I spent three days with her project: helping set up, at the opening, on my own on the floor, trying to put in to charted words.
I did not love it with ease, but felt committed to wrestle with it
look hard at the things that inspire me and frustrate me.
try to find words.
I would say to her:
I struggle with your project, alison,
but I hope you see this as a compliment.
that is what I intend it to be



If I make a list of all of the things I struggle with,
the result names all the important parts of who I am.
A more complete list, a more honest version,
than I'd make if I sat down to make a list titled
"all of the important parts of who I am"

And so I have started making this list.
What do I struggle with?
The privileges I was born with, my race, my unshaking desire to spend time making art, my impact on the planet, new york city, judaism, my relationships with my parents, my brother, kerry, my former housemates, alison, max. My extended family. My desire for nesting.

and then, if I title this list as "the defining things about rachel" I have a more honest picture of myself than I have ever made before. A list to struggle with.