Buck's Rock Earth Day: BREaD

"Find your work and do it"
"Find your work and do it"
"Find your work and do it"

And there is so much work to do.

-likeafleshyspine.blogspot.com

This little piece of work fell on me, BREaD, allowed to be my brainchild, this day for earth. I have no good langauge to describe it, still, it all comes out too serious or too stupid. Earth Day, a problematic compromise, better-existing-than-not but I-wish-it-was-not-necessary. If only every day could be Earth Day, I have said and cringed. But with BREad, I push this place that changed me so much as a young person a little bit in the direction I am pushing myself.


For this last week I drowned in BREaD. Ran frantically, flaked out on my real job and pulled every favor and sobbed on the front porch of Girls Annex after I had to plead my 200 coworkers to find 3 more volunteers. I felt isolated, self-righteous, delusional, enraged. And then I think but I would not be the person who would take on this event if I had not been through this place when I was young. I have to have faith in Buck's Rock, this institution that meant everything to me 10 years ago, but now some days I see only as failed potentials and flaws. Buck's Rock moves me: I feel raw at the realities of privilege that did not enter my mind 10 years ago, and mushy with sentiment for my own adolescence and the sweetness of those summers of connecting with other people for real for the first time. I remind myself that I am making BREaD with buck's rock, not in protest of it. This is an enactment of an ideal: motivation by equal parts love and rage. I am offering what I know back to those who have loved me and will listen. I am not cutting ties. I continue to engage in exactly those places where fucked-upness happens, because I am given so much license to engage here, out of equal parts seedy privilege and beautiful trust.

This week organizing again proved itself to be a transcendent work. I wake and sleep bread, every free moment, every conversation an opportunity to further it. There is only It. There is no more Me. I am now certain: there is almost no difference between making art, making education and making change. They can all be routines or experiences, and they are what push me to that other part of myself, that most intense breaking point where something Real is Happening.

My sense of perspective goes and comes, like during any project: I make hasty mistakes, grow bags under my eyes. my heart beats faster. Do I love big projects more for their results or for the connectedness their urgency makes me feel? I run to the field late one night and throw my hands up as the clouds recede:

this is all for you. whatever you are. big clouds and starry sky. I wish I believed you could send me affirmation that I am doing right by you, planet. whether pathetic, symbolic, or giant, these thing I make are all I have to offer.

For next year, or for some other project, I ought to remember:
-do not underestimate young people's interest in serious things. some kids are ready, and they should be catered to. perhaps everything else is just fluff.
-educational organizing is two tiered: teaching the teachers is teaching, too.
-big plans don't go well hastily, so don't plan anything you know you don't have time for.
-no one can snicker when you show self awareness. the most important thing I said to staff was "I know this sounds super crunchy and earnest, but that's just kind of my game"
-the final outcome is always smaller than the dreams. this does not mean you did not succeed.
-interpersonal connection is not an illegitimate path towards learning. do not be afraid to ask favors from friends.
-if you want good media coverage, recruit people to do it far ahead of time and get on the same page about what good radio/newspaper/photo representation looks like.
-people do better with warning: get the schedules to the campers at least a day before.

http://www.photoblog.com/bucksrock