automobile does not equal autonomy

I give up. I have given-
Yes, you may, please, with your money, with our privilege
Please, thank you, I know it will bring you joy to do so.
I know you can afford to do so.
the air, the atmosphere I am not thinking of right now.
I know I will be so much happier with access to my car.

oh, Pico, the thought of having you-
memories of your insides, clear like that cliche of longing for lover's bodies.
The pink plastic ring in the glove compartment
the pile of photographs in the pocket of the left back seat
The smudge of yellow paint on the steering wheel
The dried dirty puddle near the driver's side door.

As I fell asleep last night I thought about all the places we could go together.
Any weekend, to the coast or the mountains.
Any piece of furniture I see on the side of the road.
Any show I want to go to, any friends house, even far away.
To the redwoods, to san francisco, to canada, to home.
yes, I can pack my things inside of you and I can put myself anywhere
some time, whenever it is, I will drive you back across the country.
I will not gasp for 6 hours as I leap from old-life-to-new-life
but have the slow transition home, like I had thought I needed all along.

Why did I leave you at home, Pico?
I know I knew it would be hard.
I was scared to leave, scared to drive you so far.
Before I bought the plane ticket, I thought:
what if I fall asleep and crash and die?
I thought I wouldn't need you- I would bring only the perfect things with me here
and in this new life, across the country, I would be the perfect, ethical person.
and I would be content.

Everything I thought I wanted, turned on its head once I arrived here.
Yearning and homesickess for everything I Knew Was Not For Me.
I do not know at all how those longings will change, or how I will address them in the upcoming months. Any of the major choices I am making right now, I might or might not change.

You will be here in 2 to 3 weeks, Pico. It is a sad state of living here how much easier life will be. This is not the kind of change I want to be in the world, but I am not exempt from any of those modern longings.
Whether or not you come here, I am part of the problems
as well as the solutions
I am not giving in, I am already giving
I am already doing
I cannot not do.